Unquiet

Today seems appropriate to discuss fear.

The term gets bandied about by politicians and warmongers quite a bit lately, but I believe these men and women are among those who need not fear. Certainly not as much as ordinary citizens, who reap no benefits of ‘advance knowledge’, Secret Service protection, or highly-fortified enclaves in which to cower.

Those who died or suffered injuries in London (and of course, our own 9/11): who were they? Friends, neighbors, co-workers, partners.

Do you know the fear that makes my blood run so cold that it sticks in my veins? Do you know whose fear I can’t even bear to comprehend?

I read an eyewitness account of the possible suicide bomber on the double-decker bus. The witness remembered an agitated young man who kept looking into his bag every few seconds. I started to put myself in the shoes of that nervous young man, about to do the unthinkable. I imagined myself briefly, wondering what I’d do when faced with that choice, wondering if I could complete such a mission.

>I envisioned myself sitting on that bus, nervously glancing around at the other passengers, questioning my mission, questioning myself, questioning __everything__, knowing the final moments of my existence were at hand, and the last thoughts in my head the fervent prayers of praise for and mercy from God.

>Or perhaps, even later, in the very last moments of self-existence, _I’m sorry?_ and the existential despair, the complete and utter voidness of joy that joined me into the black depths of death.

>Even if I felt no remorse, or had no time to feel remorse, the immediacy of my fate would lodge in my throat; I could not speak, I could not breathe, the taste of copper bleeding in my mouth.

__I’d never before known true terror until I tried to imagine myself in the shoes of a terrorist.__

And that makes me wonder: _what on earth could possibly overcome that fear of not only death, but death by choice_? ‘Normal’ suicide succeeds mostly as an accident; those who attempt it generally do not mean to die. But to plan and carry out in such a rational manner something so abhorrent to almost all world mores, what does that require?

What drives men to such extremes? The most terrible thing in this world is the force that drives people to do evil things in the name of good.

I cannot help but feel great sadness for all those who have perished, including those who have suffered so greatly that they felt driven to commit such acts of violence on their neighbors.